Q. How do you feel about winning? How do you plan on celebrating this win?

Well, I have to say, I’m not surprised by the result. I grew up in the streets with nothing, now I’m making history. To my people still grinding out in the hood, this one goes out to y’all. Special shout out to my boys in SR who’ve been representing my mob for a long time. This win has been very special for me, it is brighter than Sunshine.

Q. How was the road leading up to this victory?

At first, I didn’t even know if I wanted to stand, given the heartbreak of last semester. I was inspired by the support from other candidates, as I mentioned in the Audi Debate. In the end, I decided I had to prove my haters wrong. I took the road not(a) taken, and that has made all the difference.

Q. What do you hope to accomplish in your term?

I shall strive to work for the betterment of the students. I shall make APOGEE a success. I shall open a hostel for gender-fluid people like me with multi-sex bathrooms. I shall be realistic and complete at most half of my manifesto points. I shall create peace and harmony amongst worlds. I shall build a wall, and the EMU will pay for it. I shall go on to the end. I shall fight in FD-II, I shall fight through the storms and the floods, I shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, I shall defend our Oasis, whatever the cost may be. I shall fight in the fields and in the streets, I shall fight in the hills; I shall never surrender.

Q. Do you have any message for the GBM?

Two score and fourteen years ago, our grandfathers brought forth on this continent a new SU, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that SU or any SU so conceived and so dedicated can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting-place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live.

Q. Apologies for not interviewing you earlier, but could you let us know what you’ve done in your years on campus?

I did not play a significant role in the lifting of the Meera curfew. I did not set up a new food joint. I did not work with the NSS. I did not start a black metal band, and burn down a church. I did not get any permissions from the Institute for my manifesto points. I did not set up a salon. I did not improve internet connectivity. I did not launch an online SU portal. I did not hit her, it’s not true, it’s bulls**t, I did not hit her, I did naaaht. Oh hai Mark.

Q. I’m sorry but you may not be able to enjoy this victory for too long. The Election Commission tells us there’s going to be a re-election next sem. What are your thoughts on that?

Now far be it from me to think I owe any of you people any kind of an explanation as to why I did what I did, but I just can’t resist. See, what kind of an evil genius would I be if I didn’t extoll to you my master plan? The only difference being, my master plan has already come to fruition.

Nothing stops me! While I live, the spirit of democracy lives on with me! I am born of your poison society, so in August, I will become a monster to fight the monsters of the world. I’m never going to give you up. I’m never going to let you down. I’m never going to run around and desert you. I’m never gonna make you cry. I’m never gonna say goodbye. I’m never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.

Q. What’s your background? Who is the real NOTA?

My name is Nostradamus Omerta Titanus Aeternum, Commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, the GBM. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.

DISCLAIMER: This article is intended to be a piece of satire, and should not be taken seriously.