It is common knowledge that cricket is not a part of the Olympics when other equally fake-sounding sports like horse-vaulting, trampolines, laser-pistol shooting, and squash are. One can only wonder why this is the case, but for the first time in human history—via not-at-all-dodgy research methods we will choose to keep confidential—the BOSM English press has buried all seeds of doubt. We now have the definitive answer for why the sport fails to make the cut. If you wish to find out, read on.

Our story begins with a stray strain of syphilis, which saw its creation in the Olympic village in the 1996 Olympics at sexually deprived Atlanta. The poor city had never developed full sexual immunity and couldn’t bear the many orgies that happened during the Olympics. As the disease spread, multiple high-profile people got infected. A notable victim was Prince Charles, who got the disease when his homosexuality finally manifested in a rough pounding session with Mike Tyson.

We now move to an equally important part of the story. We move to Osama Bin Laden, the Trump of the new millennium, and his attempts to include Texas in cricket on account of an unhealthy obsession with the state of Texas and an equally unhealthy obsession with the equally unruly sport cricket (that’s right, Osama had it in for centuries and guacamole—our research was pretty extensive). His motive—to build a cricket stadium close to the Johnson Space Centre and then blow it up eventually (he is a terrorist). The US, however, refused, and suggested Osama focus his efforts towards more constructive endeavors. This really angered Osama, and he then told all world leaders in a secret conference call that he was going to destroy everything that remotely resembled cricket. The events that transpired with the Twin Towers as a consequence (stumps, duh) shall never be forgotten.

While this major act of terror did calm his terrorist nerve, ten years later, Bin Laden was back. His next target was the London Olympics in 2012. His motives hadn’t changed, with ideas of his stadium still fresh in his mind. London sensed this security threat, and the Queen asked Prince Charles to investigate. Now Prince Charles was a diplomatic genius, but as we mentioned earlier, he was also gay. He had an affinity for mushy beards and deep brown eyes; to him, Bin Laden was his perfect Bashir. In conversation with Bin Laden, he offered his royal-Ts in exchange for the city. Bin Laden, who hadn’t had his gun fired in a long time, conceded.

The encounter, however, left a deep impression on Osama as the young Jihadi was left with nothing except fond memories of his lover’s little Prince and that same royal strain of syphilis. And it was this combination of sexual frustration and royal syphilis that led to his demise, not that faux operation that America claims to have executed successfully.

So that, my friends, is the real reason why cricket is not a part of the Olympics. Not because it is a Commonwealth game in a post-colonial world, not because yo mama looks fat playing it, not even because the fans are irrational, but because the sport always causes death and destruction wherever it goes.