Dear Sir/Madam,

Appaada! Finally, the whole ordeal of shifting into the hostels and settling down and unpacking trunks and multiple rounds of sanctifying the room is over. Only thing left is to completely use up the Lakshman Rekha chalk on all the entrances possible to prevent all the unwanted visitors from entering, what are they called – some LGBT LGMF BGMF something something – everyone giving whatever name rolls out of their tongue. For this and all these kids won’t use their google, but to find one big gaping hole in their eyesight they’ll go type “Rotunda” in google maps.

Just when I am about to leave my room after cleaning everything and with great excitement, as I am opening my Mysore Sandal sample soap and V Care’s modern shikakai shampoo to go and scrub my soul clean, this first year boy and his over-excited father stop me in my way. I am like “Ayyo, I know this type”. Then Sir/Madam, I am not exaggerating, and I gave up on hyperboles after twelfth standard geometry itself, these two talk to me for one full hour, asking me all sorts of questions. You see a half-naked man(-child) with a mysore sandal soap in one hand and excitement in his eyes, why would you ever assume he is some altruistic Quora top writer fellow like Balaji Vishwanathan who is standing in the corridor to answer all your stupid questions? “What are some good places to eat in Pilani?”, “How is ragging here?”, “Is it mild, soft, easy, hard, extra hard to get good CGPA?”, “What is your CGPA?”, “What is book mom?”, “Will you be his book-mom?” “Will you be his book-dad?” “Will he get verti?” “Will he get hori?” “Whether any other direction is available?”

It is not just questions, Sir/Madam, no no. Cleverly he is interspersing praise about his son while he stands beaming like some Colgate advertisement – “He cleared BITSAT, my son”. I rolled my eyes. Aama, he cleared BITSAT and I am plus two fail, on my way to sell Mysore Sandal sample soaps door to door. The questions slowly started becoming requests and then orders – “Where can he buy mug and bucket? Please help him with buying. Clean his-” Shiva Shiva. After all this Vikramadityan-Vethaalam questioning, he is like “Okay please be friends with my son” and forcibly made me drop my Mysore Sandal and shake hands with him! I did it, to get him off my back (yes, yes, I intended the pun).

I am no Kushka Pataka or Dushka Dhamaka or whatever her name is, to offer life advice – all I can say is in my days, Amma and Appa never did all this nonsense. They came, unpacked all the umaachi (God, for children) photos, put them in line, took a huge pinch of the sacred ash – vibhuti, smeared in on my forehead, said – “Now He will take care of everything” and went their way, to catch their Tatkal train from Delhi! What do you need in first year, really? Just one bottle of home-made maavudu or some avakai pickle, some paruppu podi, some thakkaali thokku, instant sambar mix, instant rasam mix, filter coffee maker and irrespective of where you are from (now this nonsense also is controversial) rasagulla or rosogullo or rosho- never mind. See, we were not pampered at all.

Nowadays these kids want their seniors to take them on their hips and walk across campus, explaining every single thing or they’ll go say ragging. Look at me Sir/Madam I am ranting now. But I am very much worried about this one. Anyways, signing off now.

Yours in exasperation,
A. R. Bitsabhootam