Dear Sir/Madam,

Good morning! And since I won’t be writing any more letters, Good afternoon, Good evening and Good night! Winter is here and so is the end of this semester! I am sending this letter now only, or else it might not even get published.  And also, the letter might not even reach you until the end of  this semester, with the current LAN conditions. I’m done looking at that dinosaur when I want to fill PS preferences. The PS orientation was like stand-up comedy, with Jaba (Java) and loyer (lower), simpull and all – that fellow made me feel like I don’t even have an accent!

I am often bored and I want to watch a few informational videos about Vidya Balan’s new movie, any new Padmavathi controversies, what happens next to Tinder Aunty, why Kevin Spacey’s house of cards is going down, and oh my God why is Louis CK getting chewed up, apart from cat-baby fails and Carnatic concerts, of course. But whether I am able to, Sir/Madam – not one bit (or byte). When I rant, people just say “Arrey bhai bhai”. I miss Oasis, where there was so much to do!

Oasis was also much more entertaining because of the stupid people all around. I even played my favourite game – Spot the TDCs (for Totally Dumb Citizens). This includes all the people who think entire campus is just one big dustbin and litter everywhere humanly possible.

As usual, all events started late, according to BST, and nobody was sober. I thought I will go watch ‘Nava-Vidha Bhakti’s in the classical prof show and get salvation, but salvation also came one hour late. I very much liked their presentation, Sir/Madam – finally some culture in cultural fest. Agam was very fun, but people gave me ugly stares when I kept shouting the rAgam names, like I cared – I went and shouted “Woohoo, Hamsanaadham!” at their faces. Karunesh Talwar was very sharp (still strong on the Hindi puns, see, Sir/Madam!) and hilarious. I didn’t understand much but he said a lot of things and then “Khichdi” and everyone laughed.

Location-wise, the IQ levels in SR grounds were the lowest – stamping on each other’s feet, falling on top of each other, getting excited for no reason, destroying own vocal cords without even getting paid. I also took my own sweet revenge – all these people will notice a vibhuti-smeared, bearded face in hoodie making googly eyes and showing mustard yellow teeth when they go through their numerous selfies. Rascals, I went for E-D-M and became Idi-yaa-ppam. #MeToo indeed.

I also felt violated when I looked at my stalls bills. But the food was delicious, Sir/Madam. On the last day, I bought one chuski and innocently walked into Audi and chanced upon the Fashion Show. One woman was standing with saree, showing bare back and audience was whistling like mad as she turned – it was a man, with beard and all. My kala khatta melted then and there. The things you see in Oasis – Shiva Shiva!

I am a self-proclaimed, Gazetted Officer attested, ISO certified, Aloknath approved foodie Sir/Madam and I was subjected to a feast in the Tamil grub recently conducted – Payasam, Vadai, Sambhar rice, CURD RICE and wait for it… Chakkara Pongal! (Rice pudding, according to my LIFCO Tamil-English guide) Felt like home only. MAMA grub was also nice, but when one first-year gave me single Paneer Pakoda and said that’s all is allowed, I was ready to hurl YO MAMA jokes at him, but then he gave five Basundi’s so I shut up.

Recently I was there at IC and I ordered Plain Dosa. And it magically became Masala Dosa. Why means I was reading a recent issue of your esteemed newspaper. I wanted Popcorn, to be honest, while I read those gripping articles. When is the next one? (That’s what she never said)

I have now reached the end of this letter. Can I tell you a little secret, Sir/Madam? I am going to miss this stupid place and all the nonsense that happens here so much. Where else will I find Cannot Palace, WaterMilen shake? Where else will a dish be named Pati Patni aur woh? Where else can I use SAC, lite? Where else will I find characters like Pappuji, the S9 wale bhaiyya, the chowki’s, the Redi owners? Where else will there be 96 hours of insomniac fun? Here only, in this tiny little place that has become home – BITS Pilani, It is magic!

I think I am finally, what’s the phrase, getting psenti. It’s time to go now, Sir/Madam.

Yours in mixed feelings,

A R Bitsabhootam